Calculitical!
by GlobalWolf111
Summary: Finn, Jake, and assorted friends travel to distant lands to combat the forces of an ancient evil unleashed on the world by a really annoying and lazy plot twist.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters presented here. Reading this sentence indicates that you accept that I do, however, own your soul. No take backs. None of the behavior presented herein is advisable, although some of it is pretty easily glorified because it's great. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead is either unintentional or awesome. The surgeon general has not advised me to let you know that guns don't kill people, Satan does. The surgeon general talks to me in my head when I am alone.

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_**1**_

"There is no God, and we are his prophets."

Deeply poignant words, Finn thought to himself, as he leafed through the pages of the journal he had found embedded in an iceberg. Stirring, emotional, and unlikely to help him with his newest project. He tossed the book into the ocean, and sat down on the pile of baby shoes that he had so recently freed from a similar chunk of ice with his flamethrower.

"Jake," he said, "Do you ever think that maybe, just maybe, we should be saving these things that we find instead of using them to build adventure stuff?"

Jake looked back at him from an ice berg containing a mummified old man that he had just been melting with a blast of napalm. "Nah," he said, "No one's gonna' care until after we're dead, anyway, and when you die, it's not like anything matters to you anymore."

"You're right," Finn said as Jake went back to destroying the corpse of a man who had spent the last years of his life in unfathomable sorrow, "Let's get to building our Adventure Boat!"

Just then, out of nowhere, the air sounded with an ear splattering pop, and a blue phone booth just kind of showed up out of nowhere for some reason. Finn and Jake both paused what they were doing to stare at it. "That's...weird." Jake said.

As the two stared at the phone booth, its door flew open. Out stepped an overweight man in a white button up shirt, wearing glasses and short-cut brown hair. "Quick!" he shouted with a voice that sounded like a bizarre cross between a human being and some sort of duck or mallard, "Get in here! There's no time to explain!"

"Uuuuuuh, no." Finn said, "There's no way that I'm getting in that thing with you. Where did you come from, anyway?"

The man stepped outside of the phone booth and said, "Okay, maybe we got off on the wrong foot, there. My name's Peter Griffin, I'm from Rhode Island, and-" he grabbed Finn's head and slammed it quickly against the half-melted ice berg that he had retrieved the book from.

"Not cool, man!" Jake yelled, running toward Peter. Peter grabbed the dog under one arm, threw Finn over his shoulder, and darted into the blue phone booth, shutting the door behind him. In an instant, the booth disappeared again into thin air.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: You should never apply this story directly to the forehead.

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_**2  
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The sun rose into the steel gray sky above Washington's Olympic Peninsula, its rays bringing little warmth to the early fall day. Mist rolled in off of the Pacific Ocean, wrapping Forks in tendrils of fog. Somewhere, a bird made a sound something like "KA! Kaka! Eee! Shreeeekaka!"

Sitting on the edge of the dock, watching small fishing boats move toward the Puget Sound, Edward and Bella wrapped their arms around one another. Beside them, Renesmee stared out at the ocean with really creepy eyes, and said, "I want to be on the ships, daddy!"

Edward Cullen shook his head. It had been nearly two months since the _incident_, and still their daughter hadn't figured out that she couldn't be a space marine. "Okay," he said, hoping to placate her.

"Nooo," Bella said, gazing at her husband, "You have to tell her that she'll be killed by demons. You know how this works."

"Honestly," Edward replied, "I have no idea how this works."

Just then, an obnoxiously loud popping sound carried through the air behind them. Bella and Edward turned back to see whether a car had backfired in the parking lot behind the dock, while Renesmee's mouth dropped open as she stared out at the boats and started making excited squealing sounds. Instead, to their surprise, they saw a blue phone booth sitting on the wooden paneling behind them.

"What the hell?" Edward asked, then stood up. Bella was exceptionally quiet. Renesmee continued to make squealing sounds that kept going up in pitch.

The door of the phone booth opened, and out stepped a heavyset man, a boy with a weird hat, and a bipedal dog. The heavyset man paused for a moment, stared blankly at the group, and then said, "Uh, yeah. I did not expect you to be here."

"We...uh, we live here," Edward said, "In this town, I mean, not on this...who on Earth are you people?"

"I'm Jake," the dog said.

"I'm Finn," Finn said.

"And I'm Peter Griffin," the reprehensible douchebag said.

"That tells me pretty much nothing," Edward replied, "Where did you come from, and why do you have a blue phone booth that has 'Police' written on it?"

Peter responded, "I'm from the East Coast, they're from the future, aaaand I got the blue phone booth by beating up a British guy and stealing it. I honestly have no idea what I'm doing right now."

"Wait," Finn said, "I thought you said that we had something important to do, and that there was no time to explain."

"Well, running away from that British guy seemed pretty important to me," Peter said, "You know how British guys can get when you steal their phone booths."

Edward Cullen shook his head and said, "No. I'm actually pretty sure that's just you who knows that."

Renesmee turned around, her mouth now gaping widely and the squealing sound approaching a pitch high enough to burst glass. "Would you stop, please?" Jake said, "Peter, I thought you were in trouble. Why do you need us with you?"

"Becauseeeeee..." Peter said, holding the last syllable for twenty straight seconds.

"There really is no reason these two are with you, is there?" Edward said.

"Apparently not," Jake said. Then, he asked, pointing at Bella, "Uh, I don't mean to impose, but why hasn't she said anything so far?"

Edward shrugged and said, "Honestly, I think it's better if women only speak when spoken to."

The air was quiet for a moment, then Peter broke the silence, "Even I think that you're a terrible person."

Renesmee's pitch continued to increase. Then, with no prior warning or indication that such a thing might happen, she jumped backward off of the end of the dock and into the water head first. There was a moment of tension, then she sprung out of the ocean again, bouncing backward toward deeper water and making a clicking sound like a dolphin. "GOD DAMMIT!" Edward yelled, "Not again!"


End file.
